questions & regrets

I know I shouldn't have said this. But I just have to.

I wish I am not what I've become today.

I feel so bad for sounding so effin ungrateful. Yes, I admit, there are a lot of things that I really regret of doing. I'm surprised at myself; when I get older, I tend to question more and more about my life and myself.

"Why I did that?"

"Why I did this?"

"Why didn't I think of that before?"

"What made me chose to do that?"

"What have I become today?"

"If I chose not to do that, would I be different from myself at this present moment?"

And so on and so forth.

No one forced me to be what I am today. Absolutely no one. Its my own choice, my own decisions, my own shoes to fill. So I am blaming no one. No one but myself.

I know I'm no angel. I'm not good. But I supposed I'm not that evil either. But there are times, you know, when I want to be so carefree and have total freedom for myself. Not having a care in the world. Do things my way and not giving a damn to what people would say about me.

But I know that would never happen.

True, I envy people who chose the right pathways. Right, doesn't necessarily meant the correct way. The true, guided way. No I never said that. I mean, the right pathways for them, what their hearts said to go to. The right ways to be happy and honest with themselves with no regrets whatsoever.

Again, how I wished I chose my own (right) pathway before this.

I guess I just haven't live life to the fullest yet. Maybe I've been lying to myself for the past years. Keep lying and lying and lying til now, I've started questioning myself non-stop about myself.

Maybe I still don't really know myself well. Even though I've been living on this earth for 21 years.

And I don't know when these questions and regrets would end. Damn.