love is just one messy thing to have.

Did you ever wonder about what real love feels like? Or do you ever experienced the feelings of really deeply being in love with your significant other? When the world spins around you and stuff happens around you and you didn't give a damn as long as that someone is with you all the time.. Yeah. That's all that matters.

Love. What more can I say? To say it out loud brings waves of emotions to me. I always believe in love. Who doesn't? Love is not only between one person to another. Love is universal. Love is general. Love is full of perspectives. Love doesn't make judgment. When you're in love, you are now holding a powerful force on yourself. You should be proud. You are able to feel that great emotions of loving someone or something else. May it be your love to God, to your family, your friends, your spouse, fiance, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, pets, belongings, assets.. So you see, it's universal.

But now, I would like to talk about love towards a person. I'm a girl, you see, and I'm straight. So my love interest would definitely be a guy. When talking about love, yes, I've experienced it. For quite a number of times, in fact. But out of all relationships, there were 3 of them who gave me the biggest impact of all. I was really in love that time. Even though I was quite young at that time (The first of the 3 happened when I was 13; which is my first love, the other one was when I was 16, and another happened nearly 2 months before I became 19 years old).

I know I was a teenager back them, happened before I entered my 20s.. But for sure, I've felt real love. And I learned how to be in love. I learned how to appreciate the person who cares for me. I learned how to respect them, for those 3 were older than me. I really fell in love with them, undeniably in love. When it ended, I felt like the world shattered around me. I felt like I was the most foolish person in the world for giving out my heart to that person, and in the end, my heart was broken into pieces. Sure, the relationships did not end up because of them. Yes, admittedly my first love cheated on me when I was 14. And then we had a series of on/off relationships for a few years after that because we were each others first loves after all, so it was hard to let go, and even harder to resist and not to rekindle the relationship between us.

As for the other two? Honestly, I broke up the relationship with both of them. Because of family matters. As much as I didn't want to do it, as I know my world would never be the same without them, I had to. And it was even harder for the last one, as I felt that it was my first love all over again. He had been perfect in my eyes, I might say. I loved him too much. Yes, too much. I never felt that way before. It was even mightier and greater than the other two, and can even beat what I felt when I experienced my first love. Yes, it was that big of a deal. I was deeply in love that time. It was the best 6 months in my life.. Seriously. *sigh*

But yes, I had to let go of him. I don't know how much tears I've shed because of him. For the next couple of years, I had no one else on my mind except him. That's how great the impact of him to me. But sadly.. He got married after a year plus after our break up. Well, nevermind. I moved on shortly after that. I'm proud of myself for that. It was a wake up call for me. If he can move on and married someone else even though he promised and swears that he would never find a replacement for me and would always love me and would never marry? Why should I still be hopelessly in love with him right? Alhamdulillah.

But I admit, it was still not that easy. There are times when I would still think back about those moments with him. And still have a small part of regret in me for letting him go in the first place. But then, I would think of what he did to me after the break up. How I practically begged him to take me back. How I endlessly told him that I love him so much. And how he lied to me countless times, telling me that there were no one else but me. Giving me hopes of us being together again. But they were all lies. And that would make me feel a bit better of myself and think that maybe its better this way. There's a reason for everything that happened right?

And now.. Someone had entered my life again recently. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to feel, and I seriously don't know if I can give my best to that someone. I gave my all to those people years ago; and I'm not sure if I can gather up my courage and effort to do it again. Yes, he made me happy. He cheered me up. He's there when I need him. He gave me advices for the right things. But can I be the best for him again? There are times when I just wanted to give up on love. Yes, love sucks big time sometimes. There are just no guarantee that love can lasts forever. Well, lets just hope it can.

I envy those people who can be happy together for so many years, and ended up their relationships with marriage. I want that too, somehow. But I don't know the path on keeping your relationship on the right track, with the right attitude, with the right feelings. I still hope I'm not too late to experience that again. I don't know if I can find the replacement for my last love. But I can hope and pray that I can still find the one right? So is the question is; is the person in my life now the One for me? Well, if he sticks around long enough and can bear with my unpredictable attitude, can accept me good and bad, and be with me through thick and thin.. I'll know that he's the one for me Insyaallah. Just be patient with me, if you are being sincere enough to be with me, and to love me.

And that's the end of my longer-that-life post. Xoxo.