I hate him. How dare he came back. I was doing okay before he sent that freakin mms to me. Why? Why does he has to punish me and my feelings like this? Why does he has to do all those sweet talking, heart-to-heart confessions to me just 2,3 nights ago and then left me AGAIN? WHY?
Why? That question keeps on lingering on my mind. Why? Why? Why?
I HATE YOU. YOU'RE MAKING MY LIFE HELL.
You ignored me the whole day yesterday.. I only get the chance to talk to you for just a few minutes yesterday morning.. And then? You ignored my phone calls and smses until this morning. You selfish bastard!
Yes, I know that I was the one who broke up our relationship last year. 10th and 11th of June, 2008. I know very well about that matter. You cried, I cried. We both cried in each others' arms. But I had to do it. You know very well why. Between the love of my life and my own mother.. I had to choose my mum. Because I love her so much, and she's the only parent I got in this world. Did you get that? She did not approved of our relationship. So what can I do?...
Then.. I wanted to ignore you. You called and smsed me several times in a day. There were times when I pick up your calls, but at times, I just wanted to be left alone. I thought I was strong. For a month after we broke up, I managed to carry on without thinking too much about you. I had my friends and family around me. I had quite high spirits at that time. I thought it was like an ordinary break up like I had before. Before I met you, I had a few relationships. But I didn't get affected by the break ups. Yeah I was sad, but not too frustrated. So I thought the situation was the same when with you. I thought I could carry on without you. Because we were only together for six beautiful months. But....
After nearly 2 months after we broke up.. I realized that you started to back off bit by bit. From several phone calls and smses in a day, you contacted me for just once a day, or once in a few days. When I asked, you said you made yourself busy with work and didn't want to think too much about the break up. Then the situation changed. I was the one who always called and smsed you. Sometimes you answered, but several times you didn't. Your reason was always 'busy with work'. Okay I get it. At that time, I wanted to get back together with you. I wanted you back eventhough some people would not approve of it. But I don't care. I wanted you back because I realized that I needed you and I love you like I never loved anyone else. I tried talking to you about it everyday. Yeah you said you still loved me and wanted to be with me, but you were still hurt and in pain because of the break up. You still couldn't believe that I wanted to break up with you when everything was so good between us. But you said you would wait for me. You said I was the only one that you really loved. You said you wouldn't find another girl even again because your heart still belong to me. How I wish all your words were true..
I waited for you. I was being so patient. But suddenly on 7th November 2009, after we talked on the phone for the whole morning, you vanished so suddenly. You started to ignore my phone calls since that afternoon. I was feeling so depressed at that time. We did not have a fight, we did not have a misunderstanding, we were so loving towards each other when we talked the whole morning. Thats why I was so sad and shocked when you didn't answer my calls at all. I felt lost. I felt so vulnerable. I never felt that way before. It was hard to be described. That time, I only thought of you alone. How I wish I get to see you and talk to you again. You didn't know how much I suffered at that time. You were unable to be contacted for a few months. I tried calling both of your numbers nearly everyday. I waited for you to contact me on New Year, my birthday, and also Valentine's day. You were vanished for 3 months when suddenly I managed to get through your number during one night, somewhere nearly the end of February. You didn't answer, but you replied my sms. We exchanged smses and a few phone calls for 3 days. Then I realized that you are not the same guy that I knew before. Yea you said all that stuff about still loving me and all that shit. But you were very reluctant to come back to me. And you failed to explain about your sudden absence. And, after in contact for 2,3 days, you started to ignore my phone calls. Just like now. You are repeating your action again now. Didn't you realize about that?
After those very brief reunion, you were vanished again. And starting March, I made up my mind to get over him completely. I wanted to move on. You clearly moved on pretty quickly without me right. So I don't want to be called a weak person just because I couldn't get over you. So I gathered the things that you gave to me and all those stuff that had to do with you and I put them in a box. I wanted to send them back to you but I didn't know how. You are living outside Kuching so I don't know how to send them to you as I lost your address also. Like I said, I was doing quite okay in March and the beginning of April. I sought comfort from those who are close to me. I made myself busy with work, studies, friends and family. I didn't have enough time to think of you. I thought I won. I thought I managed to get over you and finally moved on after nearly one year of breaking up with you. And last week on Saturday, I sent those things to you via my aunt. I just wanted to return the things to you. Maybe that can be one of the ways to get over you. And I also heard from my aunt that you are now with someone else. I heard rumors about you and that woman for quite a while now but I was not sure if its the truth. But if its true, then good for you. Eventhough some of the facts about her made me laughed and wondered, why on earth did you chose her over me and I was obviously better than her. SERIOUSLY. HAHAHA. Because I think that I saw her once. Maybe. At that time, we were still together so I didn't give that woman a thought. But still.. Why did you chose someone with a kid? Ehem.
But I don't care. When I heard about the news, I thought that I'm cool with it. Yea it bugs me til now, but he can go off with as many girls as he wanted. I don't care. But shockingly, on 9th April, I received a picture of you and some very very sweet words. Hurm. Then I couldn't help it. I called you and you answered and.. We had a very meaningful conversation. Of course, you totally denied about having someone in your life right now because you are still in love with me and bla bla bla. I was instantly smitten again by your words. Then the next day, we talked to each other again for several times. I thought that we were sort of an item again. Because you were being nearly like yourself as I once knew. And you also said that if there are any chance for you to be with me again. I was so happy, did you know that. But I still baricade myself. I don't want to fall in your trap, if you suddenly decide to vanish again. And yeah.. My instinct is right. After just 2 days.. You vanished. Again. Haha.
Maybe I'm just a silly game for you. Maybe I don't mean anything for you again after we broke up nearly a year ago. Hell, maybe you think that I'm an easy target and you wanted to get even and to let me taste by myself of what you felt when I broke up with you. Yes, I admit that I got my karma. I was punished by karma, for making you sad. But it doesn't mean that you can treat me like I don't have feelings.
Well. I have to learn my lesson. I don't want to be fooled around by someone who clearly doesn't need me anymore. I have enough of suffering, tears and heartache. I hope I am able to forget him, get over him, move on and completely remove him from inside my heart and mind. Amin...
Mohamad Khalid Iswandy.. Thanks for everything. Hope you are happy with where you are now, with what you are doing and with whom you are with..
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