Ambition with or without s.

Ambitions. What are they exactly?

I remember filling out those so called "biography" or "biodata" books when I was in primary school. You know, the ones that (most) school girls (and I don't know about boys lah kan) had so that their classmates (and even teachers too!) can fill out about themselves, right up to their favourite foods, pastimes, nicknames and so on and so forth. Or maybe that was a trend that happened in my school only. I'm not sure about that tho.

So anyway, I had quite a hard time in deciding what to put under the "ambition/s" column. Not just one time, probably in each of the times that I had to write in those books (mine included). I remember when my mind went blank and furrowed my eyebrows and forehead went all wrinkled while thinking what to write about my ambition. Should I put only one? Or two? Or maybe three? Or can I just skip it? But no.. As I flip through the previous pages, I saw many types of works and jobs that were written in each of the pages. Doctor, lawyer, architect, police, teacher, pilot, accountant, you know.. The usual stuff that kids answered when adults asked them about who they wanted to be when they grow up. So I flipped back to my own page and continued to stare at it again. Waiting for the right answer to pop into my head. And yes, it happened every time I had to fill out those books and when it came to the "ambitions" part.

So in order to not hogging the books to myself and made the others who haven't written their details yet in them, I quickly scribbled "Architect" as my ambition. There were also times when I put two options, "Architect" and "Lawyer". And maybe I did wrote "Doctor" once I guess. The reason why I put "architect" was for the fact that I love to draw since I was very little. I love it when I got my hands on pieces of papers and pencils. I could draw all day long, ranging from houses, flowers, and of course, my favourite of all - humans. I love to draw people's face, and to style their hair, and their outfits.. Oh yes, I could draw until I was getting tired of it and went to play with some Barbie dolls or watch cartoons instead. So because of that, my brother said that I can be an architect because of my passion in drawing. Holding on to what he said, I made up my so-called child mind of becoming an architect and actually believed that my very amature and minimum drawings can help me in becoming an architect one day. It was simply that easy, in my mind.

But still, it was tough to fill in what is my ambition. And so after what my brother said, that's why I started to fill in of being an architect in those books. For the sake of filling SOMETHING there and not letting it went bare. I don't want to look like I have no ambitions in life when I grow up, not when my other friends seemed so sure of themselves in believing of what they would do in the future.

But as I grew up and entered high school, things started to change. I noticed that I don't draw that much anymore, and my passion slowly shifted to writing. Yes I started to write since I was in primary school, maybe age 10 or 11. I again remember about dreaming of publishing a novel, maybe in Malay or English; it depends. I actually had started to write a novel when I was as young as aged 10; but it was never finished. I never told anyone about it when I started writing; only my best friend at that time knew about it. She knew about my passion in writing, and she encouraged me by offering to read each of my short stories and gave comments about it. I'm not sure whether I ever showed her my draft of the so called novel that I wrote; I don't even remember the title. I started on writing on notepads because I haven't had any access to the home computer just yet. But when I entered high school, maybe around Form 1 I guess, the old computer was placed in my room so that was when I started to compile my novel in the computer and typed in a few short stories as well. That time, my close circle of friends in my class already knew about my writings and they also gave their support by reading the short stories that I wrote. When I was in Form 2, God knows what made me to write a short story regarding on what happened to our gang; my friends asked me to write about one of our friends because there were a few things that we were not fond of about her that time; and in order to let her realize about what she has done, I wrote something very similar to us but with different names of course. Then it got published in the school's renowned club's newsletter but thank god I was being anonymous, I seriously doubt that my piece of writing would be published in the newsletter and everyone can read it!

So yeah, my passion in writing went on for several years and in 2005, when I was in Form 4, I learned on how to blog in Friendster blog. So it that's when my passion to blog has bloomed and my "novel" was officially terminated, mainly for the fact that the computer had crashed and all the files were gone. Yeap, all my earlier writings and amateur start-up pieces in becoming a writer had vanished. I was devastated, but well. Things happened.

While filling out the forms and applications and whatnots in high school, I knew that I had only one aim: I want to become a journalist. I want to be able to go to different places, to explore and to write. I loved watching journalists in events and functions; their part seem small, but yet again they were as important as the VIPs and guests in there. Without them, they would be no stories to tell, no stories to be published, so you get what I mean? Their pieces of writings are important to everyone, to convey information and messages to the masses. That's how powerful a writing is. So yes, that's what I wanted to do in life.

And I chose to do Mass Communication for my diploma. I messed up my SPM; due to taking science stream when I know for certain that I'm all about the arts stream. Well, again, things happened. So did quite okay for it, but then when I did my internship in one of the publishing companies in Kuching in the Business Development Department and not in editorial. But at that time.. I sort of get the idea that my writing is not powerful enough. I am nowhere to become a renowned journalist. I was scared, I admit that. Too much expectations. The writings and whatnots that I was so proud of during my school days? The English and BM essays and stories that I was so keen on writing.. They were nothing compared to the real thing. So I got cold feet. I realized I didn't want to pursue in the career of being a journalist. I was scared, really scared..

So now, I'm doing Communication degree, majoring in Public Relations. So what's my aim now? What's my true ambition? I'm not sure if I will end up in the PR field. So if not then, what would I do for a living? Man this is so hard. The word 'ambition' is just too complex. It is still so vague to me even though I'm already 22 years old and I still don't know what am I going to do with my life. I realized that I don't have an aim, it keeps on changing with the years that went by. Yes, truly I'm still scared of the future. Of what I would become, and whether or not I can succeed..

So.. What does ambition means again? I still don't have the answer for that.