bugging me

I feel like something is bugging me so much. There is a certain heaviness in my heart right now and I can't figure out why. I feel like crying til there are no more tears to shed, shouting like I'm the only one in the world and no one will hear me, screaming til my voice gone hoarse, running away til I'm halfway across the world, throwing things on the wall and not giving a damn about their worth, slapping myself so hard until my cheeks gone all red and sore.. All sorts of terrible feelings inside me. All in one. And I don't think it is the PMS acting out. Nor it is the results of my lack of commitment towards my assignments.

I'm getting so lazy day by day. No amount of drugs, coffee, junk food or anything can help me this time. I feel so demotivated. So careless. So ignorant. So irresponsible. I know I'm an ass when it comes to responsibility and commitment in education. But seriously? I feel like I'm such a wreck now. There are times where I don't give a shit about what I'm doing now and repeatedly wishing that I'm doing something else right now. Something that interests me. Something that I'm actually good at. Something that.. I'm also not sure what.

And there are also times when I feel that strange urge of loneliness. Even though I'm surrounded by lovely people, I can't help but dread the unpleasant feeling of loneliness deep inside of me. Take now, for example. When I started to feel the heaviness in my heart, loneliness will slowly creep into me as well. And I hate it. I hate it a lot. Makes me think too much. Hence, wanting to do things mentioned in the first paragraph.

My roommate said that I think too much. Do I? I don't know. Most probably. But I can't help but think. And wonder. That's all. Please let this heaviness in my heart be gone. I don't like this at all....